This week I really feel like I'm failing at my being a Mom job.
2.5 weeks ago my 2 year old broke his leg at the playground. He fell off one little - low to the ground step, just landed hard and funny on it. I was standing right there and didn't catch him. His first week in a cast he was great - so sweet and playing so nicely with his duplos all day, napping great, and just being a real trooper. This week he is a completely different kid. Says "no" to everything I ask of him, fights me tooth and nail on everything, won't nap, cries every time we put him to bed, whines all day long about every little thing. Yesterday he cried for 20 minutes because he said I was using Papa's cup and that made him mad. What? Toddlers...who knows! The last two days he has decided that kicking or hitting me and his little brother is funny. No, it is most definitely not.
This acting out of his has me acting out too. Ahh...I have definitely lost my cool more then once. I am so stressed and angry that I can't figure out what is going on with him. We go outside for play time every day. We eat healthy balanced meals. We play. We read. We snuggle. We sing. We have play dates. We pray. We get out of the house every single day. I talk him through everything. I tell him he is loved. I try to spend one on one quality time with him. Poor kid is probably just restless from not being able to walk or run!
All this, and I still fall short as a mom. Ugh. I take being a mom very seriously, and when I fall short - I am my biggest critic. Recently some unnamed person made some really horrible comments about me that really upset me. I know in my heart that these comments are not true and were said from a very hateful place...but still, they eat away at me even when I think I am over them. Then a few kind people - not meaning any harm - have said that my son broke his leg because he doesn't drink milk...again, something that is my fault. Words, so powerful and so painful.
Transitioning into being the mom of two has proved harder then I thought it would be. Every other day I tell myself I'm not cutting it. Then throw other people's words into my head and it worsens the blow. Some days I feel like I'm getting it right. Like today, the morning was going great. I put my baby down for a nap, and started my workout while my toddler did a puzzle. 5 minutes into it I was working out and felt peaceful and I realized everything was going right for once...haha...in that second my toddler started loosing it because he took personal offense at one of the puzzle pieces....then my baby woke up from his short nap mad. NOOOOO...peace lost.
I know what I need. I need Jesus. Problem is, I'm too tired to go to him. Face palm. I'm writing this not for pity, but to process and just be real. I know this is a phase in life, one of those rough sticky spots, but I also know it will get better. Until then I just have to keep moving forward, praying, silencing the negative words that linger in my head, and trying my hardest to find Jesus in all the moments - the good ones and the bad ones.
Now, here is something I did get right this week. This bread is stellar. My toddler and I have pretty much finished off the loaf by ourselves in 2 days...eh, who am I kidding - I have pretty much eaten the whole loaf all by myself. Nursing a giant baby makes me fiercely hungry all the dang time!
Applesauce Oat Bread
adapted from here
1 cup applesauce (I used unsweetened)
1 tsp. vanilla
1/4 cup melted coconut oil (or whatever oil you bake with)
1/3 cup yogurt (I used plain organic yogurt - pretty sure whatever you have on hand will do)
1 large egg
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/2 tsp allspice
1 tsp cinnamon
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 cup peeled diced small apple tossed in a little bit of lemon juice
1/2 cup all purpose flour
1/2 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 cup oat flour - just grind old fashioned oats in a food processor
2 TBS brown sugar
1/2 tsp cinnamon
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a loaf pan and then line with parchment paper.
In large mixing bowl whisk the applesauce, vanilla, melted coconut oil and yogurt until combined. Add in the eggs and brown sugar. Mix until smooth. Add salt, spices, baking soda and powder. Whisk.
Toss chopped apple with 1/2 TBS flour and then add to bowl. Stir with spoon. Add the flours and mix gently to combine. Pour into prepared pan. Mix together the brown sugar and cinnamon for topping and sprinkle on top of bread. Bake 50-55 minutes until toothpick comes out clean.